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  • Pauline Kok

ONE DAY…

I received a terrible verdict, my heart and mind shocked to the core; it made me numb, it had me breathless as I began to float – somewhere, I’m not really sure.


I looked around, as I expected everyone around me to feel the same desolation I was feeling, but all around me seemed normal.


Except, I don’t feel normal.


I feel robbed—I feel unprepared—I feel punished, I feel myself falling, fractured, as I search to remember where ‘feeling whole’ went.


The next day is the same.


Thoughts wander in and out of my mind, as I struggle to find reality. Against my will, tears keep coming; so many, they lost their taste of salt.


My head hums. I try to escape, but don’t quite know how to do that. I wonder why and where I lost control and how do I get it back again.


The weather mocks my mood as it mimics my attempts to make sense of it all. The day is bleak and so I wander through my own dark thoughts. The frigid air mirrors the cold I feel deep inside. Only my frozen tears provide clarity while in my heart I repeat the same urgent prayer:


“God help me—help me to help him!”

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